Thoughts on a trip south via license plate bingo

Very recently, I realized just how much I needed some quiet time on my own, so I rented a tiny house near the Shenandoahs for three days-and-nights starting yesterday. After Wednesday’s insurrection (please watch this excellent video on it; I almost never watch MSNBC, but this is a must-see), leaving felt risky and untimely. I asked the boys if I should stay home. Jack said, “Mom, I’m not scared, I’m just pissed and disgusted. You deserve to go have some time for yourself. Have fun. I love you.” Ol said, “I’ve always wanted a tiny house. Can I come? No? Okay, well I’m fine, I just can’t believe people STORMED the Capitol with guns. They are awful.”

So, at a minimum, I have two extremely well-adjusted children. And, I am enormously proud of their righteous disgust and anger. I adore them.

When I was little, my sister and I had a variety of ways to amuse ourselves on long car trips to and from visiting family in Georgia. Perhaps what I most loved was license plate bingo. We had these thick cardboard pieces with a state in each bingo slot. As you saw that state’s license plate, you got to slide shut a transparent, red plastic door. Do y’all remember those? I swear this is what we had.

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Anyway, even though I have always suffered from horrendous motion sickness, I loved this game and still love the idea of it. Roadways fascinate me. They are a country’s vascular system, taking those in transit to all manner of place, an intricate web of vessels that intersect, splinter off of, run parallel to, and diverge. I loved when one car and ours would drive together for a while before that other chose to exit, carrying it away and toward something different than what lay in my future. Those brief intervals of overlap, of connection, they are meaningful in some weird way. Coincidental, fated, a thing in common before the break. Fleeting familiarity flanked by strangerness.

My favorite plates, for no reason beyond immediate aesthetic reaction, included Rhode Island’s simple gray wave, Vermont’s unapologetically spare green and white, South Carolina’s Palmetto and moon, and New Mexico’s turquoise and yellow with the central zia symbol. I still find them all pleasing, though my relationship with them has changed somewhat.

Things, for good and bad, so often become imbued with meaning: idolatrous, nostalgic, nationalistic (rather a twin to idolatry, I suppose), romantic…a simple figure can be appropriated in ways that leave some revering it with fervor while others, who previously loved said figure, suddenly shy away in discomfort or revulsion.

As I drove down to the Shenandoah Valley by myself, in a hybrid car studded with progressive cause bumper stickers, I found myself playing license plate bingo without enthusiasm. Yes, I had researched this area and this rental beforehand. I asked the owner to tell me more about Harrisonburg, in light of this week’s turmoil. She assured me that it was a very progressive town, albeit in a fairly conservative county, that I would be fine bringing my car, that you couldn’t see the parking space from the main road.

And she was right. Black Lives Matter, Biden, and Hate Has No Home Here signs abound. Masks are mandatory. Hand sanitizer is everywhere; in fact, it’s much more prevalent in commercial places here than back home. And true to its moniker, Harrisonburg is an exceptionally friendly place.

And yet.

I intentionally bypassed not a few places on my drive down in which I could have stopped for gas. You could not have paid me to pull off in a sea of mud-spattered pickups boasting the Don’t Tread On Me version of the Virginia license plate and Blue Lives Matter stickers on the cab’s rear window.

The Alabama-plated truck that came roaring up behind me? I pulled immediately into the next lane and did.not.look.left.

Pennsylvania and New York plates? Hard to tell. A little stressful. A Mainer this far south? Probably ok.

Any hybrid car regardless of plate? God, it’s nice to see you.

I hate this form of license plate bingo. I despise fear and otherness and assumption based on symbology. And yet, as the trump years have shown us, a red cap is not just a red cap. The American flag has several meanings, not least when its color scheme is changed to black, white, and blue, or the one flown is an older, much older, version.

Growing up in Louisiana, most every friend had a parent with a pickup truck, many with gun racks mounted in the rear window. My dad had an F-150 for decades, though never a gun rack. I was never scared. I didn’t like guns, and Dad was never a hunter, but the truck and the rack and the weaponry didn’t provoke fear.

Today, the black pickup with a loud engine and slightly darkened windows or a tell-tale sticker? I don’t love it. Huge eagle and American flag decals? Suspicious. Second Amendment, assault weapon, or pro-life stickers? I’m racing in the other direction. Virginia, Georgia, Florida, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina plates? I wonder.

Let me repeat, I hate this. It is antithetical to every fiber of my being. My in-laws live in Virginia, for pete’s sakes. But in response to the militaristic actions of trumpers, pro-lifers, 2A’ers, nationalistic white supremacists, blue lives matter folks (who tend to be anti-black lives matter), and Fox News and OAN watchers? It sometimes feels smart to take the exit away.

This afternoon, I went to the Carrier Arboretum at JMU. It was a stunning day. Cold, brisk, blue, winter. I thrilled in the vestiges of fall foliage, in trees healthy and dead, in the ducks and geese that swam as if unperturbed by the frigid water, in the brave green of plants that have figured out how to thrive in tough times, in the various mosses that I just fancy beyond articulation. I had a perfect couple of hours, but as I approached the small parking lot, alone, no others around, I saw two big trucks pull up on either side of my car. There were other spots; they didn’t need those. And so I did another lap around the duck pond, another visit into a wooded area. One truck left, and the other backed into a different spot. Heart pounding, I headed for my car. My electronic key failed to let my trembling fingers pull the handle open. I was forced to put my bag on my car hood, dig for my keys, unlatch the physical key from the electronic fob, slide it into the lock, figure out which way opened it, and finally slip into the driver’s seat.

I’m not going to lie. In that moment, I was worried. It was like being a woman (like me) walking alone at night with her keys between her knuckles (like I have done many times), ears pricked (all the time), hurrying but not obviously hurrying. This really pisses me off. I have every right to put social justice stickers on my car and not worry I’m going to be harmed or targeted because of them, whether visible from the main road or not. I have every right to travel alone as a woman. I have every right to walk home late at night unmolested. I have every right to wander through an arboretum lazily, mooning over mosses and bird calls and root systems and green in winter.

Why do 45% approve?

Why do 45% approve?

As Republicans whine about healing and unity, let us understand that if someone perpetrates violence against another, healing does not mean pushing said violence under the rug and chanting kumbaya. Freedom of expression does not mean “I don’t like what you’re saying so I will now kill or threaten or harm you.” Violence and hate and related action are NOT protected by the Constitution, nor should they be. There must be consequences. (< Please watch the video accessible via that link.)

Let’s recognize who’s culpable in the why behind license plate bingo not being the same game it once was for me as a white person, and as it NEVER was for people of color. Let’s change things by demanding accountability, consequence, and justice, especially for white thugs and the man who encouraged their hatred and violence.

As an aside, here are some photos from today. Such beauty in this world.

Goddamn you, 2021: Shakes fist at sky; is anything worth hope?

On New Year’s Eve, the world lost a bright light and a family was rendered heartbroken and gutted. Tommy Raskin, the 25-year-old son of my Congressman, Rep Jamie Raskin, died by suicide. If you have not yet read the tribute Jamie and his wife Sarah wrote to Tommy, you simply must. And if you can, please consider donating to the Tommy Raskin Memorial Fund for People and Animals. At a minimum, please extend an act of kindness to an animal, a stranger, a friend, or a loved one. Check in on them; talk openly about depression, anxiety, mental unhealth and wellness. Normalize struggle and offer resources for help.

Since New Year’s Eve, I have watched:

LA nearly run out of oxygen for COVID patients;

my own state, Maryland, boff the rollout such that vaccines are going to waste and/or being given to anyone walking by;

the Republicans of the PA legislature throwing an idiot-toddler tantrum and refuse to listen to the elected Lt Governor or seat the re-elected-and-certified incumbet, Dem Jim Brewster;

the US Attorney for Atlanta/N Georgia, appointed by trump, suddenly resign and be replaced by trump loyalist, Bobby Christine;

the Minneapolis policeman who shot Jacob Blake EIGHT TIMES in the back be completely acquitted;

the woman who sold my parents a home try to force them to default because she is greedy and now has remorse;

and many trumpers try to overturn the multiple-times-approved 2020 election results…

And I’m trying to just go with it all and help and support, but shit I am tired and overwhelmed, and the amount of stress I’m holding in is NOT NORMAL OR RIGHT OR SUSTAINABLE.

About an hour ago, my dad called to tell me Georgia was going blue. Much as I want to believe that and much as I hope and feel that needs to happen, I cannot invest any faith in a blue outcome or I will Fall.Apart. And yet, his and Mom’s earnestness gave me that hope for a moment and I have since been in snotting tears that are, of course, all those saved up from so many stifled moments of Keep Calm and Carry On since November 9, 2016.

Here is the truth: I despise and actually do wish ill health on (in no particular order; complete stream of consciousness): Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Nikki Haley, Tulsi Gabbard, Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Melania Trump, Eric Trump, Donald Trump Jr, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Tiffany Trump, Matt Gaetz, Kayleigh McEnany, Jenna Ellis, Kellyanne Conway, Stephen Miller, Stephen Miller’s wife, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ father, Josh Hawley, Ron DeSantis, Greg Abbott, Brian Kemp, all Republicans from AL and MS, Kristi Noem, all Republicans from GA, all Republicans from Colorado, the Proud Boys, Cleta Mitchell, Rudy Guiliani, Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, Boxed Wine Pirro, everyone at Fox News with a slight-Purgatory-exception for Chris Wallace (but the jury is still out on him), Rupert Murdoch, the Koch brothers, fat and sweaty Sheldon Adelson, Sheldon’s sweaty wife, the anti-US spy Sheldon flew back to Israel, that guy’s wife, Joel Osteen, Franklin Graham, mega churches, Liberty University, Meghan McCain, Ben Domenech, Sarah Palin, Federalist idiots, the Nats who visited the White House, all police who’ve murdered black men and women and been acquitted because RACISM, you fucking fuckers, obnoxious parents, racists, bigots, elitists, gun fools, Rick Scott, Dick Cheney, George W, Clay Higgins, all Republicans and many Dems from Louisiana, John Cornyn, Chuck Grassley, Brett Kavanaugh, Amy shut the fuck up Barrett, Clarence you fucking fool Thomas, Ginny, Samuel “you asshole” Alito, Jason Miller, other assholes who don’t pay child support, Neil fucking Gorsuch, all the stupid girls I attended high school with, and so forth.

I’m still crying, and my kids are in that weird “Mom is not ok” fugue state, and my husband is all “oh shit” and burping, and I am SO FUCKING worried about the Raskins and this country and the world I’m turning my dear boys into, and if you aren’t feeling this badly, don’t tell me about it.

Vote blue. And pray/hope/dream for America.

Limping to the finish of 2020: 5 (6) takeaways

This cold December 28th evening finds me prostrate on a couch drinking a really subpar wine and researching seed stratification. Seed stratification and also scarification are fascinating methods of readying seeds for planting when they’ve not had the benefit of overwintering in nature and/or need help germinating due to tough shells. However, I fear such learning will go the way of so much this year, and that is into the cavernous holding pen known as Maybe Later. Also in said pen are Ulysses, the annotated read-along guide for Ulysses, various spices, and a fuckload of yeast. I miss having time, you know? Not Covid time which, in my home, is interminable no-flow time largely spent managing, feeding, answering, cleaning, and “No, I’m on the clock right now” ing. In the Before, there was just time. Time to walk with K, time to be alone in my house, probably working on behalf of it but with the quiet needed to let my mind really wander and process, uninterrupted, time to refill my tank.

The moral of this intro is that I ordered 3” plant versions of the seeds I was investigating, poured out the shitty wine, decided not to stop my still-working husband from still working despite it having been nearly 12 hours since he started working, eyed the annotated Ulysses mere feet from my grasp, and told Ol he could watch another episode of Parks & Rec. Because that’s where things stand at nearly 8p in the nearly 10th month of the Since. We’re all stuck in the pen just doing our best. I mean, I taught my parents Pinterest via FaceTime yesterday, for chrissakes. That seems like some sort of supra-achievement worthy of 3” plants versus seeds that need to be cold stratified.

The years since 11/8/16 have, in many ways and at many times, felt like a slow descent into some Atwoodian hellscape. That Cheeto Satan’s term was capped with a year in which John Lewis and RBG died + Covid is an end I couldn’t have conjured, but here we are. And as we limp to the last flames of the 2020 pyre (that is hopefully just for the GOP and not all of America), I want to share a few takeaways.

  1. Live big. If this year has taught us anything, it’s to enjoy the moment. Of course you should save and be responsible and all that jazz, but shit. Be yourself. Your truest self. Drink the special wine. Now. Learn the language, start the business, wear the short skirt, go back to school, move, travel, follow YOUR dreams, read and think and form educated opinions and then stand up for them, proudly, with a fighting spirit but not a closed-minded one.

  2. Grow the seeds you birth, adopt, or get to help raise. Listen y’all, my kids annoy the sanity out of me sometimes, not least since we live together 24-7 these days. But also, they are each a bit of magic, unique quilts of genes and history and experience and juju that I get to raise and turn out. I can say that with real zen, even though I considered self-defenestration yesterday, because I am so lucky to get to work with other people’s bits of magic all the time. Seeing others’ kids with non-parental eyes is the greatest lesson in appreciating people for WHO they are. Beyond the things that can and maybe should be worked on, people aren’t individual buffets. Each is a fixed menu. Love them for the courses they arrived with, even when suggesting they sub parsley for cilantro. Unless they’re tacos. Certain things aren’t substitutable, nor should they be.

  3. Be generous. With time. With your spirit. I maintain that other than working in a garden, there is no better way to feel good and improve this world than to give. In small ways, in financial ones, with your time, with your skills, go share, be kind, and be supportive.

  4. Demand what you are worth. Share, but don’t give yourself away; not your time, not your talents, not the respect you deserve. I don’t work for free unless I’ve chosen to do so. And if someone treats me like poo more than once or without explanation, I bid them adieu.

  5. Take/make time for what you need. Put your time where your heart is. Yes, we all have responsibilities that both demand time and funk out our hearts. But beyond commitments, are you investing in yourself? I am not here to tell you that a hot bath one time is going to soothe your anxiety away. IMO, that’s ridiculous, annoying, and invalidating to the harried lives most of us are living. BUT, are you refusing to put everything in the pen? I hope so. I am trying mightily to do this, even though Ulysses and his annotated friend taunt me on the regular. I am paying attention to myself, and I will continue to do so.

  6. WW84 was an abominable film, not least as it followed the terrific Wonder Woman. Don’t watch this movie. Save yourself.

Tomorrow, my paternal grandmother turns 95. NINETY-FIVE. And she is still smoking, breaking rules, getting her hair styled weekly, refusing to go out in less than what I, at this point, consider evening wear, and telling me about a northern lights cruise she will take in the near future. Do we agree on many things? We do not. But I cannot tell you she’s done anything but live life, and I have got to admire her stallion-like spirit. I also suspect she will not see WW84, for a variety of reasons.

Thank you for bearing with the musings of a tired, peevish, sick-of-almost-everything Em. Here’s to an even marginally-functional 2021.